The trouble with feedback: – Responding well to criticism

I have a Masters degree in Fine Art. This means I spent a lot of time having fellow students and lecturers telling me why they did – or didn’t – like my work. In six years of study I never got used to this. Criticism is a difficult thing for many of us to handle. It doesn’t even have to be negative criticism – even constructive feedback can result in anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. There are a number of reasons why this may be the case.

Autistic people often receive a lot of very negative, blaming criticism and judgement. Even small children can experience this. It can come from variety of places – schoolyard bullies, family and other adults focussing on our apparent failings, even when they are not failings at all but just something which looks  bit different like stimming. In fact, the undercurrent which so many people have in their thinking which views autistic people as broken or deficient can result in a lot of very unpleasant criticism as we grow up and throughout our lives. Sometimes criticism is given in front of an audience (such as in the classroom). This can compound the stress significantly! We may become incredibly keen to please others and win approval almost as if to address the pervasive criticism we may have had for years.  Any kind of negative response may mentally catapult us back to times when we received harsh criticism simply for being ourselves.

We are often criticised for being sensitive about criticism!  

We can become very anxious in situations where we know we will receive criticism – performance discussions in the workplace are a key example of this. Our sense off objectivity about our performance can be limited, especially if a manger doesn’t give much feedback. While many neurotypical employees interpret no feedback as being a good thing, autistic people may benefit from a bit more reassurance along the way. If this hasn’t happened, the performance  discussion can be terrifying. It can also be terrifying foR some people who have received positive feedback from their manager.  Being in a situation  where the entire purpose is to to provide criticism of one sort or another can pose a huge challenge for autistic people. 

Facing criticism is one of those perfect storm of anxiety situations as fast as I see it. It can bring back sometimes traumatic memories, it is anxiety-provoking and can lead to catastrophising. it is made far more stressful by things like perfectionism and fear of failure and it can heighten sensitivities around appearing ‘different’ and being judged and criticised for that. Often a huge worry around receiving criticism is  how the person receiving it will respond. Will it trigger a person  to say or do something they regret? If it is at work, how will the relationship with their manager be if the discussion goes badly? I always get transported back to art school and being up the front of a lecture theatre full of my peers and teachers and being hounded about my latest project – which I was presenting. iZ received quite harsh criticism. I was absolutely devastated. Like many others, I do not experience criticism as being about something external to me asn feel like others are attacking me. I felt like everyone in that room hated me and thought I was a complete loser. I now know that wasn’t the case but it was a pretty unpleasant experience and one which has followed me for the past 14 years since it happened!

Some things to consider around this include:

  • Constructive feedback can actually be a really useful thing. It can help you to improve your understanding or performance and to change your thinking about a topic in a positive way.
  • The moment when constructive criticism occurs tends to feel very  raw and unpleasant for everyone and particularly autistic people. But in time it often sort of mellows out to a point where it can be useful.
  • There is vast difference between constructive criticism and negative or attacking criticism. It can be difficult to tell one from the other. As a rule of thumb, constructive  feedback is not personal. It is about what you do not who you are. This is a good way of ascertaining if it is helpful or not helpful feedback. Unhelpful feedback is usually personal critical of you and your character and other attributes (e.g. appearance etc).
  • To help determine what is constructive feedback and what isn’t. I tend to go off the relationship wth the person giving the feedback. If I experience them as aggressive or a bully I will be wary of their comments but if it is someone that I have a respectful relationship with I will be more open to criticism from them. It can help to view constructive criticism as a gift, helping you to do your work (or whatever else)  better.
  • Because anxiety around receiving criticism is anxiety, things which helps address your anxiety and self-doubt are likely to help you manage receiving criticism better. As with most things I find sense of pride in who you are can help address feelings of inadequacy which can drive issues around receiving criticism.
  • The response you have to constructive criticism and to attacking, negative  criticism should be very different. Even of constructive  criticism is hard to take on board, if it comes from a place of support and wishing to engage you to do things differently, that is something to be positive about,. I often thank people who have stretched me through their constructive feedback. If someone is attacking you then you would be better off defending and protecting  yourself as much as possible and if you need to set boundaries with the person doing attacking then work to do that.
  • Many people – autistic ands allistic – have similar concerns around experiencing  criticism. You are far from alone and it is completely understandable to feel that way. 

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Embracing your autism (and what happens when you can’t find your tribe?)

I imagine that many of you will have heard this statement… ’Find your tribe!!’ This is a statement that autistic adults – and sometimes kids – are told. The Autistic ‘tribe’ or neurodivergent peer group is a place where you will be accepted. When you find your tribe your sense of autistic pride, self-esteem and value will increase. When you get embrace your autism your whole life will change and you will accept who you are and lots of other good things. Sounds like a very good thing, and this does seem to be what happens for many of us.

But what happens for people who do not ‘find their tribe’? What about people who are  autistic and for a variety of reasons they cannot accept it or be positive about it? What about when your memory of being ostracised and bullied makes you want to keep ‘acting’ and ‘masking’ in terror that if you are ‘out’ as autistic that bullying and abuse will get worse? For many people finding their tribe is not at all easy.

I have a personal story about this very issue. For the past 13 years I have been as very out loud and proud, visible autistic advocate but for seven years after I was diagnosed I couldn’t even entertain the notion that I might be autistic. While deep down I knew my then recent diagnosis fairly accurately described my experience, it was just too hard to imagine that I was autistic. I was diagnosed in 1994. When I was diagnosed the diagnosis was very new. Almost nobody, including many mental health clinicians, had heard of this thing called Asperger syndrome. My parents were told that Asperger’s was incredibly rare and that only one in 25 people diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome were women and girls (I didn’t know about non-binary gender then so saw myself as a kind of woman by default). I was a rebellious and very troubled twenty-something when I was diagnosed. I had spent years trying to distance myself from the ‘nerd’ tag I had been victimised because of in school. My diagnosis meant a number of things to me, and none of them were good. Consciously I thought it was my parents making excuses for my poor behaviour. I was doing my best social chameleon act in order to fit in with the world I found myself in. From the limited information I had, it seemed Aspergers was a diagnosis of being a nerd. To my mind it meant that I was destined to be a nerd all my life and there was nothing I could do about it. When I was being bullied in school, a lot of the attacks also centred around any apparently having an intellectual disability. At the time, my limited understanding of autism was that it was an intellectual disability. You can probably  understand why I felt trapped by the diagnosis rather than liberated. 

My eventual acceptance of my diagnosis was very closely bound up in my perception of myself. Twenty-something Jeanette had hated themselves. They had a very low self image and actively sought out negative things. It was somewhat telling that the moment I accepted my autism was when I was in second year of university. I had just won an award for being top of my year in a class and was feeling more confident than I ever had before. ‘Maybe I should check out that autism thing?’ I thought so set about doing so. I remember watching a video by Dr Wenn Lawson – who is now a good friend – and he was saying things about his experience which resonated strongly with me. I started what was actually quite a lengthy process of accepting and valuing myself as autistic.

I didn’t suddenly write my life story and start giving presentations on autism. For me it was still a difficult truth to accept. I spent the next few years being quite shy about discussing my autism. I felt like everyone I told would probably hate me for it. I had internalised a lot of ableism. The turning point was when I met my mentor and most positive influence Polly Samuel who encouraged and supported me to write my life story. Thankfully everything sort of aligned and when the book was released and media outlets were asking me to talk about my story I was in a good place to do so. Now I am quite likely to discuss autism with a taxi driver or a receptionist at the doctor’s office! I am very much so out loud and proud Autistic. I have found my tribe and it is good, even if it took me a bit longer to find it than most.

I suppose what people can take from this is that people have complex histories and circumstances which may make it hard to accept that they are autistic.

I have had many interactions with people who feel unable to connect with the ‘tribe’ for various reasons and many others who are taking their time much like I did when I was younger. People do not have to conform to any particular journey for accepting and embracing their autism. It is a good thing for autistic people to accept who we are simply because being autistic is a fundamental way of being but people struggling to find their tribe do not need to feel bad about this. It is not a reason for judgement or a character flaw. Life is a journey. In my journey I spent a good ten years either not accepting or being very coy about my autism and now I am doing all the advocacy work I do and hopefully promoting positive things like autistic pride. We are all at a point on our journey and that is OK, but I am very glad to have embraced who I am as it feels right. 

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‘I’m not being rude but I have no idea who you are!’ – Thoughts on Prosopagnosia

The title of this post is something I have said – or thought – on many, many occasions in my almost 44 years on this Earth. Most people have an innate ability to tell one human being from another. If they meet someone then they remember what the person looks like most of the time. I do not. Most human faces blur into each other and I cannot remember people I see all the time, including work colleagues and family members. When I was a toddler my mum and brother and I went overseas and left my dad behind. When we returned three months later I had no idea who this scary guy with a beard was and why he seemed to know my mum, brother and me really well! I spent my childhood, teenage and young adult years thinking that may inability to recognise human faces was unique to me. I was very embarrassed by it and thought it meant I didn’t care about people or wasn’t interested, even though that didn’t tally with my experience. When I was in my late 30s I saw an article about something called ‘prosopagnosia’ or face blindness. Apparently there were a lot of people in addition to me who struggled to recognise human faces. I was delighted to not be alone in having this rather embarrassing quirk of neurology.

Prosopagnosia is not an intrinsic part of autism. Non-autistic people also experience it but it is more common among autistic people than neurotypicals. I do not understand the mechanics of it well but I know that people with prosopagnosia use different parts of our brains to interpret faces then others do. I can recognise a few people’s faces but most people I struggle with. I recently worked out that I have the greatest difficult in recognising the faces of cis gender people – those who identify with their gender assigned at birth. However, I usually remember the faces of people who are gender diverse / trans. I have no idea why that may be.

I used to be deeply ashamed of not remembering people’s faces. It caused issues at school with bullies as I often couldn’t tell them apart which only served to add fuel to their cruelty. I would develop elaborate ways of figuring out who someone was through the context of their conversation or what they were doing. I had an exhibition at a major art gallery when I was a student in 2005. I had a twenty minute conversation with someone and had no idea who they were until I got home after the event!

Simply saying ‘Sorry, I have issues with recognising faces. I am not being deliberately rude’ would have solved a lot of my problems with prosopagnosia but my shame at forgetting faces was bound up in my shame at the time at being autistic. I have not always been an enthusiastic and very visible autistic advocate. It took me over ten years from the date of my diagnosis to me getting to a point where I accepted my neurodivergence and began to see my autism in a positive light. That shame was immense and was mostly created by bullying and being shamed by others for being somehow different. My main goal at high school was to be accepted by my peers – something that never really happened. Anything which made me seem ‘weird’ or different was bad to my mind. The fact I couldn’t recognise people was something I had never heard of before in others and definitely fitted in my view of ‘weird Jeanette things’. It was only really when I started to view myself as a proud autistic person years later that I become OK with it.

These days I tell people if I don’t recognise them and explain the reason. Not only does this make my life easier it also means if that person meets another person with prosopagnosia they will have some understanding about what it means. The statement I usually use is ‘Have I met you before?’ If they answer yes I respond with ‘Sorry about that, I have face blindness and don’t always recognise people.’ 

One peeve I have around this is when people who evidently don’t have prosopagnosia say ‘Oh, I’m hopeless with names and faces.’ I know they are probably trying to make me feel less uncomfortable, but I am actually not feeling uncomfortable so when they say that it comes across as them dismissing my experience. It’s a bit like the old chestnut ‘Oh but we are all on the spectrum somewhere!’ (We are NOT ‘all on the spectrum somewhere’. If we were, it wouldn’t be called autism it would be called ‘how everyone experiences the world’.) These sorts of statements are difficult because the person saying them often doesn’t consciously intend to dismiss and invalidate but they actually do.

I have found it much considerably easier to tell people about my prosopagnosia than pretend I don’t have it!  In fact when I started to tell people why I don’t recognise them it was like a weight had lifted. It was a liberation. For me owning my prosopagnosia is part of being an out loud and proud autistic person so I view it as part of my advocacy, given it is such a common experience for autistics. It can be a difficult thing to manage but like most things, it can be improved by applying strategies that work. It is nothing to be ashamed of – in fact being ashamed of it will make the impact of it considerably worse. It is part of how a brain can be wired, part of the neurodiversity of humanity. It is just another little part of what makes me ‘me’.

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Respecting difference: Autistic people aren’t ‘speaking neurotypical’

In the course of a presentation today I did something I have never done before – I spoke to a former ABA therapist. MY heart sank as she eagerly said ‘What do you think about ABA?’ For anyone who hasn’t come across it before, ABA or Applied Behaviour Analysis is an intervention used on autistic kids. It is essentially premised on making children ‘less autistic’ and uses a system of rewards and in many cases punishments to promote compliance. Almost every autistic advocate you will meet will say how damaging ABA is, doing things like forcing kids to make eye contact and coming from the premise that autistic reality is ‘wrong’ and in need of fixing. There is growing evidence as autistics who were subjected to ABA as kids grow older, that it causes trauma. ABA pretty much stands against everything I believe in and strive for. So being confronted with this enthusiastic young person was a little tricky to say the least! I was speaking with her before my presentation began and managed to explain my significant worries about ABA and the ethos driving it. She seemed very receptive to what I said. However throughout my talk she kept offering ‘pearls of wisdom’ based in her former career, which actually  gave me a wonderful opportunity to talk about ideas of neurodiversity and the critical need for autistic people to have a positive autistic self-identity.

One thing the former ABA therapist said was that she used to do a lot of ‘work’ with cards showing emotions. I reflected that this is an approach to autism based very strongly in neurotypical experience and understanding. If you show me an emoticon, unless it is the happy, crying or angry face I have no idea what it means. Showing autistic kids pictures of cartoon faces displaying ‘emotions’ and expecting them to relate it their understanding of sadness or anger? That is never going to work! It’s like conducting an exam in a language the student is only vaguely aware of and doesn’t know any words of.

That exchange got me thinking about how a lack of understanding autistics’ experience of life and how we communicate can lead to some assumptions  which not only make our own lives hard but also colour the attitudes toward autism in the wider world. There is a long-standing myth which persists that autistic people lack empathy and even the capacity for empathy.  This was sold to us all as an evidence-based researched opinion….but I suspect the researcher in question was looking at the wrong things. An assumption about my capacity for empathy is something that happens relatively frequently: I will be talking to a person and I get a sense that I must be doing something ‘wrong’ and then after a while of conversation I realise the person I am speaking with is upset. When I know they are upset I immediately offer support and kindness and hope they feel better soon. The reason for my apparent lack of care was simply that I wasn’t picking up on their non-verbal cues. I c an only tell someone;’s non0-verbal cues if they are really noticeable. A neurotypical person might notice the person was upset a long time before me and thus they may seem to be more ‘caring‘ while I am seen as a ‘bit off.’ The difference between the neurotypical person and me is that I don’t notice or understand a number of communication cues that neurotypical people are more aware of: facial expressions and other non-verbal communication. I care just but I am not receiving the same information to alert me that the person is upset. Unless people understand that difference in the information that autistic people are receiving, it is maybe understandable why someone might think us uncaring. Once again, it is like the exam conducted in a language the student doesn’t speak.

Empathy is an odd thing because I have observed that while autistics aren’t always right in there with the caring response, when talking to a number of  neurotypical people, I have experienced a complete lack of empathy for me and my autistic experience. I often get a response along the lines of ’your’e weird so I don’t really want to get involved in whatever issue you are having. Just go away and don’t bother me.’ So while I will be agonising as to whether i have been caring and respectful, a representative of the group who are thought to have the empathy thing down pat has just demonstrated the complete opposite! I suppose people choose whether or not to display empathy and not everyone is caring.

I find it easy too see things from a divergent viewpoint but I imagine that probably isn’t the case for people who have never seen life from a divergent perspective. It is really important for us divergent folks to advocate and represent, even if it is just to state that there are so many ways of expericening the world and the people in it and these are generally OK and perfectly valid. 

And the former ABA therapist asked me to come back and do more work with the organisation I was speaking to which I was really happy about. There is that fine line of feeling the need to speak to people who are completely on the same page and it gets challenged quite often in my work. It was hard talking – and very hard talking civilly to someone who represented something so problematic but in fact I genuinely believe I changed some thinking today. It is so important for autistic people to be understood as a different culture with different ‘language’ and experience and not broken versions of their neurotypical peers in need of fixing. Our ‘language’ is as valid as any other ‘language’ and the more people know this the better the world will be for autistic people and those who work with us. 

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Autism and criminal justice: Beyond myths, stereotypes and denial

I need to preface this piece by saying I have possibly a rather different view on issues around criminal justice than many people do. Criminal justice issues are always going to be complicated and nuanced. Criminal behaviour is both an individual choice and a social issue. 

I have the perspective as an autistic person who many years ago was victimised and also was a perpetrator. I will say that my offending was definitely NOT because I am autistic although I was taken advantage of by a criminal man who was a predator and this was my initial introduction to the criminal justice system and things just sort of got worse from there.  Since 2000 I made a lot of changes in my life to be where I am now but it was  hard start.

I met Polly Samuel who I knew then as Donna Williams in 2004. My autism diagnosis was then ten years old. It wasn’t long after I met Polly that she told me she thought that I should write my life story. The reason I stopped objecting and wrote Finding a Different Kind of Normal was this: Polly told me that she spoke at parent groups and there were often parents who would sit right up the back and leave before the socialising and cup of tea at the end of the meeting. Polly told me these were the parents of autistic young people caught up in the criminal justice system and they felt ashamed and excluded and if I wrote the book it would be for that group of parents and their kids. It took me a few minutes to realise that this would include my parents too. I finished writing it in four weeks and editing it in two more. I guess I had something of an incentive!

As Polly demonstrated, criminal justice system involvement is something of a taboo with most people and seems to be even more so in the autism community. I suspect this is probably due to a very big issue which persists today – that of stereotyping and using myths about autism to justify blaming criminal behaviour on autism itself. By implication, we are all emotionless, cruel monsters who don’t know right from wrong. The  idea of autistic people ‘not knowing right from wrong’ is pervasive in this space and is particularly damaging…and totally false I might add. If not knowing right from wrong was part of autism presumably we would all be in prison! Another harmful myth is around us apparently lacking empathy. This myth has done so much damage across a number of domains and is a pet hate of mine. It seems to have started from some quite flawed research but has since taken hold in wider society. In actual fact autistic people are generally very high in empathy but we tend to experience and express it differently to neurotypical people which for people looking for things ‘wrong’ with us presumably provides something of a justification.

In some instances, including a notable recent case in Victoria, Australia, autism has been presented by media outlets as an actual reason for offending behaviour, which is not only incorrect, it is also adding fuel to the fire of people who would hate and revile autistics and it adds considerably to stigma individual autistics face in the world.

Some people in the community are so horrified by these myths around autism and criminal intent playing out that they deny that any autistic person commits criminal acts. Sadly that is not the case either. Autistic people can and do commit crimes for a range of reasons. Some of these reasons relate to us being exploited, manipulated or taken advantage of by others with genuine criminal intent. There are other similar issues – autistic people being desperate to win approval of peers or a partner, which was what put my on my own very shameful path. In other cases autistic people can be accused and even convicted of crimes which were not committed with any intent but were misinterpreted. The movie I am Khan has an example of this – and is an excellent and very moving film too! Sometimes criminal acts are committed by autistic people who have been mercilessly and continually bullied and victimised and retaliate. Autistic people also commit crimes for the same kinds of reasons other people do. It is a small minority of autistics who become caught up in the justice system but it does happen, as I am living proof of I suppose!

As you are reading my blog I imagine you have some idea of who I am and what work I do in the Autism community. I am one of those people who was swept under the rug. I was a person with huge issues around  offending behaviour yet now I am seen as a role model and a community leader. We are responsible for each act we make. 

Stereotyping and demonising autistic people is not going to address anything in the justice space or anywhere else for that matter – it will not reduce offending behaviour. What it will do is generate more prejudice and stigma. It will almost certainly confuse judicial staff, corrections staff and police. This is a huge issue as many employees in the justice system could really benefit from accurate, sensible autism training and knowledge. First responders particularly need better autism knowledge and disability knowledge more broadly as a matter of safety. And way beyond the justice system, these sorts of stigma and myths will contribute to autistic people being demonised and victimised across the board. I say no myths and no taboos – both are damaging. Let’s just help support people and work to ensure the world is a safer and more inclusive and respectful place.

 

Your past meme

A parent’s guide to autistic pride

A good friend who is a non-autistic parent of autistic kids asked autistic people to write out some thoughts for parents in relation to Autistic Pride Day on 18 June. I thought this was a good thing to do. My responses to her questions have been adapted into this post. As an autistic advocate of over 13 years’ experience I have seen a lot of changes in the autism world. When I started out in 2005 a lot of parents were very heavily focussed on the negatives around autism and would express – often in front of their kids – about what a burden it was to have an autistic child. Thankfully this has become a much rarer occurrence but there are still some misgivings which can occur between autistic advocates and non-autistic parents. I think connecting with parents – and particularly non-autistic ones – is really important. The biggest influence on a child’s life more often than not is their parent/s. Autistic pride is a really important topic for all families with one or more autistic members and probably more broadly in society, so I thought I would write this post. I hope you find it helpful. 

Autistic pride is premised on the notion that autistic people are valuable, worthy and an important part of human society as they are as autistic people. This does not mean they will not experience difficulties with some areas of life or that they don’t need support but it does mean recognising and fostering their strengths, talents and interests and supporting them to like and value themselves.  

Despite there being a lot more awareness and understanding of autism in recent years, we are still discriminated against. This is demonstrated in a number of settings from the still appallingly high rates of bullying of autistic kids in schools to the very low employment participation rates and low educational attainment statistics.

Autistic pride is a great way to counter this. If a person is genuinely proud of who they are and sees their autism in a positive light, as part of their character and personality, it helps them to navigate the world better. This is relevant for all autistic people – those who use verbal speech and those that don’t, those with all cognitive abilities and accomplishments and those with any additional ‘labels’ as well as autism. It is a quality that parents can play a huge part in fostering and supporting.

Pride feeds into a bunch of very useful attributes like self-esteem, self-confidence, resilience and independence. Even better, it allows us to value ourselves in the face of a world that often does not respect or value us and to educate others and advocate for other autistic people too. Someone who is filled with a sense of pride and self-respect is more likely to navigate life well, be fulfilled in life and achieve their potential. Without that sense of pride and given all the barriers stacked against us, it can be very hard to be who we want and need to be. Pride is great at helping to level the playing field for autistic people. It is one of those qualities which is pretty much always a good thing. The example that a person who is proud of who they are sets for others is fantastic and it also demonstrates a model of viewing autism through the lens of pride. This will almost certainty impact on neurotypical people and change their understanding of autism for the better.

What positive, proactive things can parents and other adults in an autistic young person’s life do to help foster that sense of pride?

There are a bunch of messages and actions non-autistic parents, and other adults can do to promote and foster a sense of pride in autistic kids and young people. These include:

  • Understanding that autism is a different wiring of the brain and not due to a deficient or ‘broken’ brain. 
  • Understanding that autistic communication is as valuable and effective as non-autistic communication – just put a roomful of autistic people together and take notice of how they don’t have the kind of miscommunications as they might when communicating with non-autistic people. Viewing communication this way and having a sense of needing to learn to ‘speak autistic’ is a key part of understanding autistic young people and fostering a sense of pride.
  • Reading and viewing work by other autistic people – there are advocates who are children as well as adults and they often have some very useful strategies and understanding too. 
  • Make sure your child has access to autistic people as possible friends and also adult role models and mentors where appropriate. Adult autistics can be great translators and interpreters for kids and kids interacting with autistic adult role models is a very powerful way to build their self esteem and sense of pride.
  • Don’t punish a child for ‘autistic’ activities like stimming. And don’t fixate on or insist on eye contact, or on things perceived as ‘poor social skills’ that are just a bit different (e.g. parallel play at later ages than that at which after neurotypical kids might stop doing it). 
  • Encourage kids. Take an interest in their interests. Challenge and stretch them within their capacity so they will be proud of themselves for overcoming challenges. 

Thoughts on some ‘therapies’ to avoid

  • Parents of autistic kids, especially newly-diagnosed kids, want answers and want to help their child in whatever way they can. This is of course completely understandable but it is important to be aware there are lots of charlatans peddling pseudoscience ‘cures’ and ‘treatment’. Often these view  autism as an ‘epidemic’ or something that a person can recover from. If any individual or company talks about ‘cures’ and ‘recovery’ it is a good idea to avoid these at all cost. They won’t help your child and they will probably do more harm than good.
  • At the same time, beware of ‘evidence based’ therapies that are centred around compliance. This includes things like Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA).
  • It is very rare indeed for a parent to intentionally do something harmful to their child. Unfortunately some ‘therapies’ which are marketed as being helpful and enabling your child to get along better in the non-autistic world but are in fact focussed on conditioning your child to act ‘less autistic’ (including ABA). This alone can have a huge negative impact on how your child views themselves.
  • This sort of ‘therapy’ does not support autistic children to develop into happy, fulfilled autistic adults. Instead it works to forcibly make a child seem less autistic. We don’t need to make autistic children try to look less autistic! We need to support them to be themselves and if anyone has an issue with their stimming – or whatever – well that person needs to be educated. There are a lot of documented cases of trauma in autistic adults who went through ABA as kids. I am certain their parents did not intentionally subject them to this knowing it would cause trauma. It would most likely have been promoted to those parents as a therapy to make their child somehow ‘better.’ Sadly this kind of thing rewards kids for doing often very stressful and unpleasant things like eye contact. It can also remove some of the child’s effective coping mechanisms. For example stimming is used by many autistic kids as a means to self regulate and address stress. You can imagine the impact that removing that one strategy  might have on a child.
  • These kinds of ‘therapies’ do not help kids to develop pride and value in themselves. In fact they could be seen as representing the enemy or antithesis of autistic pride.

I speak with parents every day and have given countless presentations to parent groups but I am n to a parent myself and my perspective in this piece is that of an autistic adult who has only relatively recently developed a sense of pride in who I am as an autistic person. If I had that sense of self-worth and pride as a kid going through all the horrors I did, I know it would have made a huge difference. Pride is a gift you can support your child to attain. 

Thank you 🙂

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Online groups – unpacking some of the difficulties

Lately I have had a few messages from autistic people who want to get involved in advocacy but are afraid to. They perceive a lot of the online groups as being unwelcoming and fear they will be attacked or unfriended for expressing an opinion different to that of the group. This is not a good thing and something I felt I should have a think about. Some members of our community apparently excluding other members of our community doesn’t sound like a good thing at all. A little consideration made me realise that this is a very complex issue indeed. In this post I’m going to have a go at unpacking some of the issues and suggesting a few things which might help.

Debate and discussion: friend or foe?

Opinions ands approaches differ between people. In principle this is a good thing and robust, respectful discussion should be encouraged. Some people really enjoy a good online debate and find it helps them to refine their own thinking and understand others’ perspectives. I am one of these people. If we have a respectful discussion I can learn some really useful things and different perspectives but I won’t learn anywhere near as much from just getting affirmation and praise. However, when I was younger I was terrified of anything which might be described as a disagreement or conflict and took it very personally. Everyone is at a different point on their own journey and has different views. So where a robust discussion is enjoyable for someone who enjoys debate, someone who is anxious around disagreement will probably find robust discussions very challenging and feel attacked. Different preferences in this area can mean that one person will find an online group stimulating and invigorating and another person will find it very challenging.

Some groups can come across as quite purist. If a member expresses a dissenting opinion  it can be pounced upon. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with these sorts of groups per se and they can serve a useful purpose but if that is the first group a person trying to find their way in the in the autistic community comes across it can have a negative impact, especially if the new person expresses a dissenting opinion.

Where is the ‘line’?

Some things are absolutely right or absolutely wrong. A person coming onto my page and expressing anti-vax opinions and promoting those views to my online friends will not be on my page for long! However, some things I see more as grey areas. Issues around how a person identifies are a grey area to my mind and need to be determined by the individual themselves. But for some people and groups, how a person identifies (eg ‘I am autistic’ or ‘I am a person with autism’) ARE part of that not negotiables list. I draw the line in a different place to others and we all do. Understanding that is really important. Your line and the group’s line may be different on various things. 

Some disagreements in groups are not meant to be upsetting or invalidating but some people can experience them as such. For a person who dislikes disagreement, some of those sorts of discussions are very distressing and they can feel afraid to contribute to discussion. Others involved in the discussion may not be aware that this is the impact.

Just say no: problematic groups 

There is the issue where some groups are in fact genuinely problematic. These can result in people being shamed or unfriended for expressing a dissenting but not harmful view or hounded in group conversations.  Some of these groups quite forcefully assert a sort of ‘preaching  to the choir’ sort of thinking. I see these as being quite ideological which is not my approach to life. I don’t really want to get involved in these kinds of discussions so I usually just leave those groups. My rule of thumb its that if I feel frightened about posting something then that group is probably not one I want to remain engaged with.

Some thoughts on interacting with online autism advocacy and empowerment groups 

  • Online groups offer an amazing opportunity to connect with other autistics and to effect change on a variety of levels.
  • Each group has a different purpose and ‘flavour’. Have a look around and try to find a group which is more closely aligned to your interests, likes and experiences.
  • People perceive things differently and what might be experienced as an attack by one person may not be intended that way.
  • If someone unfriends you because you express a dissenting opinion, I wouldn’t worry too much as you probably don’t want that person on your social media anyway!
  • Most people in the various groups are autistic people themselves with their own set of experiences and challenges. They are probably not intentionally trying to make your life hard. A discussion with a group admin if you have concerns can help to defuse any tension a lot of the time, even if it seems hard to do. 
  • If you are a group admin, think about how your group can support people just entering your online community, if you haven’t done so already
  • Social media groups are supposed to be empowering and supportive not divisive and exclusionary. If you are in a group which you find problematic or toxic or that you are not getting anything positive from, my advice would be to just leave.

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